new series: 1,000 BAD THOUGHTS A DAY

Alright, you lazy free-loading readers, forcing me to do all the thinking, writing, and exposing of self, now it's your turn. writing a new screenplay called a thousand bad thoughts. i'm contributing plenty, hundreds, but i need some from you, too. just put 'em down in the comments section. one or two, just once in a while, particularly when a particularly disturbing one hits. Like, what if i'm the worst golfer in my foursome tomorrow -- so bad the guys never want to play with me again. It could happen you know. BAD THOUGHTS, MAN, I NEED 'EM BY THE BUSHELS. HERE'S A FEW OF MY VERY OWN TO GET YOU STARTED.

Don't know about you, pal, but i have about a thousand bad thoughts a day. the phone rings i'm sure one of my four kids has been killed in a car accident.

i go to pee, i expect to see blood in the toilet

to shit, expect to see blood in the toilet

brush my teeth, expect to see blood in the sink

go to fuck my wife, expect my hardon to be as al dante as a piece of pasta

don't trust my boss -- sure he's thinking how to fire me

don't like the way my wife has been looking at the pool guy -- is she fucking him after i leave for work

Guy diagnosed with cancer debates whether or not to tell his wife – will she still want to have sex with him.

Will she want him to hurry up and die so she can experience a new man while she’s still young enough to enjoy it.

His daughters are both 25 pounds overweight – he wonders how much smaller their pool of suitors than if they were slimmer.

He rues getting attached to his children – will it destroy his life if anything were to happen to them –

How much hair will he have left if he reaches 75 – 80 – at 85 who gives a shit

One day I will trip one too many times and realize it is inevitable that I have parkinson’s

It has struck me at the edge of sleep, or is it the edge of waking up, that I have very limited talent as a film director and that I will never, I repeat NEVER make a truly compelling film.

Do I purposely chose subjects that will make uninteresting screenplays

Will my daughter have a retarded child, or one with childhood leukemia, something to cast a pall over my remaining years

Will be there war on American soil during my time, will I and my family be marauded across the landscape as happened during the second world war in Europe

Will I lose my nose to skin cancer

Will my atrial fibrillation rob me of precious years and leave me dead on a street far from home where nobody knows me and nobody gives a shit out of me.

I should have some of my money in Switzerland, but don’t out of laziness or fear

Why haven’t I given money to Columbia or mt Sinai to facilitate access to good doctors