LIE: "I GOT FIRED BECAUSE MY BOSS WAS JEALOUS OF ME."

TRUTH: THEY THREW YOU OUT BECAUSE YOU WERE HOPLESSLY INCOMPETENT.

It's amazing how often those who get shit-canned come up with the rationalization that it was because their boss was jealous of their superior skills. The truth is, most bosses these days are under such a huge workload and pressure to perform, they're fucking thrilled to find a competent worker, delighted even if they actually on rare occasions come across someone who is better than him or herself.

Now let's really get to the heart of the matter here, pal. You habitually came in late, a good hour and a half past starting time. And then once at the office, it wasn't like you immediately threw yourself at the task at hand. No, you had to have your three cups of coffee, your apple danish, read the sports page, jump on line, play a little frood -- all this, because you stayed out so late and drank so much last night that now the morning later you're simply too edgy and disoriented to begin your actual work.

Then before you know it, it's lunchtime. Ya-hoo. It's off to the corner burger joint which mercifully serves beer, and you down your favorite half pound of ground meat with melted roquefort on top along with several lashers of bacon, fried onion, french fries, half a bottle of ketchup, and two or three pints of beer. Needless to say, the job of digesting this massive amount of fat and grease falls to your poor abused stomach, which demands that your heart send it the lion's share of available blood, leaving the entire rest of your system deprived of oxygen, and thus sleepy and lethargic. There is absolutely no way man nor woman can get any work done under these conditions, and so it's close the door to your cubicle so that you can lie down in the little nook under your desk, where due to the extreme exhaustion and near drunkeness of your system you're actually able to nap for 45 minutes or so.

You wake, of course, feeling as if a team of hostile wrestlers had mauled you about the floor, but do manage to stagger to your feet. You look in the mirror and find a roadmap of peculiar sleep lines branded across your face, and your breath repulses even you.

No, it will do absolutely no good to hang around now -- the company wouldn't want you to. So it's back to the corner bar to have a few more pints of cold, bracing beer, and, miraculously, the whole process is set in motion to have a day tomorrow just like the one you had to day. What a miraculous cycle -- doing the same thing day after day, getting maybe 15 minutes of work done a day and being paid for it.
Yeah, maybe your boss was jealous of you after all. No wonder you got fired.